Thursday, December 16, 2010

QOTD: Uniformity in BDSM

It's always seemed kinda strange to me how homogeneous (no pun intended) the bdsm fetish scene is - so much black leather/vinyl/rubber, contrived master/slave situations, odd "rules" and "scenes". Even given the variety, it's an odd amount of uniformity for an "alternative kink".

Am I the only one who thinks so? I realize there are many levels of situational play and different flavors of specific fetishs, but I've always gotten the impression that "the scene" would look negatively on anyone in the public sphere who took a very different approach. Your thoughts?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Anonymous QOTD

Totally ignoring the legal/moral/ethical considerations for a moment, what's the oddest/"worst"/least socially acceptable thing you've considered (or done) sexually?

Would you do it again?

Please answer anonymously.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Libido MIA

A very strange thing has been happening to me in the last couple months, and I'm not sure of the cause. Plainly put, my libido - my actual drive to do sexy things - is mostly gone.

Truly, a sad state of affairs.

As a sexually active and open male of the species, I think my general level of arousal is pretty close to normal. I can enjoy an orgasm daily, and would occasionally have a couple (morning and night, typically). Since my drive has always been higher than the wife's, I masturbate on average 4-6 times a week, sometimes more, and prefer long (30-60 minute) sessions (usually with an online component, and almost always with porn involved). While I don't obsessively think about it, attractive women that I run across during my day are usually enough to get me going for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

From what I can tell, it started around the time of my Halloween sexy party. While I was quite looking forward to it, I wasn't particularly horny about it - I was looking forward to seeing some new friends for the first time in this setting, but otherwise, my arousal level leading up was pretty normal.

Since then, however, my drive's been pretty low. I'm losing interest in masturbation. Sex is still fun, but the everyday interactions I have with attractive women and potentially arousing situations don't set me up for it anymore. My regular chat hangouts for erotic one-offs are frankly boring, and the prospect of searching for new ones isn't particularly appealing. And while I always look forward to solo hotel trips (like Vegas, etc.) for the availability of no-interruption, free-form masturbation (have kids, you'll see why these are suddenly a nice luxury), my upcoming trip isn't calling to me.

What the hell happened?

I've had slowdowns before, but nothing like this one. I'm not stressed - stress, in general, has never been a limiting factor for me in the past. My wife is still smokin' hot, and our sex has been better in the past year than it's been in a long time. The sex and masturbation I've had are both fine, it's just the "typical horny guy" aspect of my life is waining. I'm not seeing sex in every aspect of my life, like has been the norm since I was about 12. There is one redeeming factor - I seem to have more time and less errant thoughts, allowing me to focus on things. But I miss the other focus, too.

Your thoughts, questions, comments and suggestions are welcome. Should I actively seek to reclaim my teenager level of horniness? Should I welcome the free time and focus for other pursuits? More frequent masturbation has always brought me back up to speed in the past, but this time I'm lacking in scenarios that I find worth my time. I hate to think I've seen so much porn that it's all boring. What would you do?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

QOTD: Cyber

Is "cybersex" (in any form) part of your sexual routine? This could be mutual masturbation online, webcamming, roleplay, hot chat, etc. Do you only do it with your partner? With strangers? With friends? Does all the in-person action happen at your computer, or do you take it offline?

Friday, October 15, 2010

QOTD: Getting Away With It

Question of the day - What do you "get away with" that's secret/naughty/against the "rules", or that you'd rather not tell most others? Or what would you like to get away with, but haven't done yet?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

QOTD: Impossible

Question of the day: What's your impossible fantasy (or fantasies)? If not physically impossible, then so unlikely/improbable that you can't ever see it actually happening? Something "mainstream" like being with a celebrity, or wackier like zero-g sex? Or is it not possible given the physical laws of the universe?

Monday, September 27, 2010

Too Hot?

Question of the day: Is the heat sexy? Or is it too hot out to enjoy sex/heat-inspired nudity properly?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

QOTD - Safety First?

Question of the day: Do you practice safe ORAL sex, either with regular partners or swinging/occasional partners? Do you do it for both cunnilingus and fellatio?

Monday, August 16, 2010

QOTD - Now what?

Question of the day: After you take erotic/explicit photos or video, what do you do with them? Store? Share? Delete? How often, if ever, do you go back and watch/view them?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Desensitized...

I've been coming to the realization that the proliferation of anything and everything remotely sexual on the internet has driven my kinks and fantasies toward things I very likely can't find online - like naked pictures (and sex life details) of my friends.

Has the internet desensitized you in some odd way?

Friday, June 11, 2010

QOTD: What don't you like?

Question of the day has returned! What otherwise "normal" (use your own definition of "normal") sexual things are you not at all into, and/or refuse to do? Is it just not your thing? Bad past experience/association?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

QOTD: Sick!

Question of the day - do you hold off on sex (with other people) when you're sick? Or are you game if your partner's game? Do you masturbate less? Or does it help you feel better?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Question of the day - You, Online

Are there nude pictures of you online (with or without your name or face)? Are they old/legacy pictures from some ad/website, or do you update them? Does it bother you in any way that they're up there, or do you like it?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

What do you do with your "bad" fantasies?

Like everyone, I've got a lot of sexual fantasies. This comes from thinking about sex a lot, and working things out in my head to see if they get me going. Most are of the type that I'd eventually like to try (and many I have) - specific partners, group activities, specific kinks. But there are others that I doubt will ever become reality for me, and others that really shouldn't be realized, either legally or ethically.

I'm sure you've got some like that too - what do you do with them?

I have varying degrees of "bad" fantasies. They're generally not "bad" for moral reasons, but only because they can invoke some uncomfortableness for those involved (or just associated). Some are odd or kinky or just very unlikely - on-stage gang bang, fucking my exes, holding relationships with two sisters (or a woman and her mother) at the same time, etc. Others are more taboo, but still worth thinking about - fucking two sisters at the same time, non-consensual voyeurism, public sex in front of non-interested parties, stuff like that.

Some are "worse" still. I don't tend toward violent stuff at all, but I do find myself thinking about things society, even sex-positive folks, would frown upon.

I've noticed in my many years as a sexual being, and with many years of Internet surfing under my belt, it takes a lot to shock me anymore. While I'm still turned on by a nice pair of breasts or "vanilla" sex acts, my fantasies have evolved and grown and ventured into new territory now that the standard stuff is, well, standard.

I don't "embrace" all my fantasies - I know a lot of them are unhealthy and not worth pursuing in real life. But I don't stop myself from enjoying them in the moment, especially when that "moment" is entirely in my head, or in a shared fantasy conversation. I can appreciate the absurdly kinky or non-consensual without thinking it's "right" or "good", and since I don't obsess over any of them, and I'm fully aware of both the law and what's the "right thing to do", I know what lines can't be crossed.

Your thoughts? Do you have fantasies you try not to think about? Do your own thoughts freak you out? When you find yourself turned on, do you allow the thoughts to come to light, or chase them away?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

QOTD - Public

What's the most public place (indoors or out) you've masturbated/had sex? Were you seen (accidentally, or on purpose)? What circumstances caused you to do it there?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

QOTD - Birthday Sex

Is the concept of "birthday sex" (or other special sexual treats on your partner's birthday) strange? Do you not limit yourself to specific days, or is it a good excuse? Is a birthday (or anniversary, or other day) enough of a reason for you to do something you don't usually like?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

QOTD - Scheduling

Do you "schedule" sex (or other playtime) with your regular partner? Or just let it happen? Are there times you both assume sex will happen (like a Saturday night), or is there always some sort of negotiation?

Friday, March 26, 2010

Guest QOTD: Outdoors

Today we've got a guest Question of the Day from my dear friend Sin:

Outdoor sex. Do other people get off on it as much as me? I have a thing. beaches, forests, rain, etc. I want it. I love being topless outside. It's a weird big reason I miss Burning Man.

Currently, my obsession is wanting to fuck on top of a high rise in a big city. :)


This one gave me a rise just reading it, because I could tell how hot it was for her, so my afternoon's already better. Enjoy!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

QOTD: What's Turning You On?

What's turning you on recently? Any specific people, places, things? Is it totally new to you, or the return of something old?

Some FYI - I've been posting a "Question of the Day" every weekday for a couple weeks now on my Facebook page (to certain facebook friends - filters and friends lists are wonderful things when your boss and siblings can see your page), and I've been including some here so others can comment, or anyone can comment more anonymously. I'm not sure how long I'll keep it up, and I plan to have some more "normal" posts soon, but I like the quick format and the little discussions the QOTD brings.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

QOTD: Still Sensitized

What (if any) legal kinks/perversions/sexual acts surprise/horrify/alarm you? Do you find yourself generally less sensitive to the strange and unusual?

Monday, March 22, 2010

QOTD: Nomenclature

Are you more likely to come to a party where people are free/encouraged to have sex if it's called a "sex party" or "sex-friendly" party, as opposed to "orgy"? Or does the name not matter, because you'll talk to the host for details long before committing?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

QOTD: Lustful

Do you tell friends when your feelings for them turn regularly lustful? Does it depend on the friend? Does it depend on the type of primary relationship you're in? Does it ever lead to lustful things?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

QOTD: Underpants

Does your partner's choice in undergarments make a difference in how you see them, sexually or otherwise? Do you think others judge you on yours?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

QOTD: Hot, But Not For Me

Do you enjoy watching pornography of acts/content that you'd never actually consider doing yourself?

Monday, March 15, 2010

Question of the Day - Inanimate

What's the oddest inanimate object you've ever involved in sex play (directly or indirectly - it didn't have to be penetrated/do the penetrating)? Was this a regular occurrence? One-time situation? Someone else's kink?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Question of the Day - Missing Out

Is there anything you're missing out on sexually that you don't think you'll be getting in your current relationship(s)?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

QOTD: Food

Food and sex are two of life's greatest pleasures. Should the two ever meet, either gastronomically or in more interesting ways? Or are two great things best left to themselves?

Monday, March 1, 2010

QOTD: Age

Your discussion question of the day: What's the largest age spread that you've had between yourself and a partner? Did age ever factor into your relationship/sex? Do you prefer people much older/younger? Has it made a difference for you?

I'm entirely inexperienced with anyone more than 3 years younger or older than me, but I'd happily go 10 years in either direction, at least sexually. Thoughts?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Flash in the Pan

I was lucky enough to have two lovely lady friends (who I'm not in sexual relationships with) send flashing photos to me yesterday, and it totally made my Mardi Gras. I did solicit for them, but they were still kind enough to send personalized pictures. I'm a lucky guy with sexy friends.

Perhaps it's my long-time exposure to pornography, or maybe it's the slight taboo, but seeing exposed/nude/topless pictures of friends is one of the last sexually exhilarating pornographic experiences for me. I love naked pictures of anyone, but while arousing, porn generally isn't "thrilling" to me anymore. It's hot but not unique; the internet has put almost anything I could want a few clicks away. Pictures of friends, though, have to be given - they're not available anywhere else, and that makes them very special.

Part of me almost longs for a time when simple things and little peeks could provide the same response. But as I'm neither 12 nor living through cultural sexual repression, that's just not the case, nor would I want it to be.

I like sharing as well, but as I've stated before, the sweet spot between "arousing/interesting" and "creepy/uninteresting" is a small one for guys. I'm always open to requests, though. And I'm always open to seeing more of friends.

Monday, February 8, 2010

We're all a little bit creepy and perverted...

At least I hope so.

After washing my clothes yesterday in our communal laundry room, I opened the dryer next to my washer to find whites someone had put in the night before. They were cold, so I briefly considered just scooping them out and putting them on top of the dryer, but instead realized that the next dryer over was empty, so I moved my clothes there. Before leaving, however, I took another look in the full dryer, admired a pair of thong underwear, realized most of the load was men's socks, and closed the door.

Am I a weirdo?

As I get older, I'm realizing that I'm a very curious person, and I love getting little peeks into the everyday lives of other people. I love knowing (and sharing) personal minutia, and while I'm not a panty thief or peeping tom, if the opportunity presents itself, I'll most certainly take a look. Sometimes, I take steps to insure that opportunities are more common as well.

Internet barometer, I need to know how common this is.

The most interesting thing about this for me is that while I know it's an invasion of privacy, I don't care. It's kinda a psychopathic "I don't care" too - I feel no emotional pain or regret from doing it. I'm typically a very empathic person, especially when it comes to pain/suffering/hardship (of any sort). But regarding minor privacy violations, I don't feel anything at all.

So am I a creepy pervert? Probably. Are you? What do you do that you think might put you in this camp? I don't count any consensual sex as "perverted" (though you might) and usually for me the definition of perversion hinges on involving another party (with their knowledge or not). Is it something you fight against doing, or that you do happily? Does it get you off, or just satisfy your curiosity? You tell me yours, I'll tell you mine.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Alrighty, Eros.

On the general suggestion of The Girlfriend, and on the specific recommendations of several friends, I signed up for OKCupid account this week, and started playing around with their interface. For those of you who haven't used it, it's a dating site like a hundred others, though it tends to skew younger, and it pretty friendly toward folks who are poly/non-monogamous. It's also run by math nerds who take their algorithms very seriously. This alone is reason enough for me to stick around.

The dating part of it is still kinda weird to me. The Girlfriend and I have been in an "open" relationship for most of the decade-plus we've been together. That said, we generally look like a very standard, monogamous couple - our swinging is discreet, and while we've told friends in the past that we're "open", neither of us has really "dated" anyone else until recently (and that's pretty discreet now, too). There's also the fact that we have a very solid investment in each other (and a kid, and a house), so other partners are much closer to "friends" than anything else, even if there are benefits.

Because of all of that, using a dating site as an individual and filling out profile information there is pretty strange to me. Much stranger than swinging together or swapping, or even The Girlfriend dating (since that's happened more organically with the guy in one of our swinging couples). It's weird writing about myself, and tweaking it in hopes of attracting someone. I can only imagine the ratio of men-looking-for-women is higher than women-looking-for-men (as it tends to be everywhere in the online dating world), so while I've thrown a few lines out there, I don't expect a whole lot of random, well-matched encounters. But sometimes I'm surprised.

The other interesting thing is that I'm wondering how I'd match up with other in my real life, though to my knowledge, most of my friends don't have OKCupid accounts. The site matches you, at first anyway, by comparing your answers on a host of different relationship and life questions, and asking what you'd like a partner to answer (and how important their answer is). I've come up with a few people who I match almost completely, and I while we'd have lots to talk about, I don't know if we're actually good matches. A good way to compare, for me, would be to see what friends rank, given what I know about them. If you're on the site, let me know (I'm OCHedonist).

In the end, I'm not sure it'll be fruitful, but it's fun, and maybe I'll make some friends (I'm honestly just as interested in new friends, even if there's no sex involved). Either way, it's definitely weird.

Monday, February 1, 2010

The assumption of female bisexuality

One of the most positive developments to come out of the sexual and feminist revolutions of the past half-century is that women are much more free to express themselves sexually than any other time in post-Victorian western society. Add the internet, with it's reach and possibility for anonymity, and sexual expression is almost limitless. There are still obstacles to be overcome, of course, but in general we're living in very open times.

One outcome of all of this is the rise (or perceived rise) in female bisexuality. This is true both for "true" bisexuals (those interested in relationships with both men and women) and "the other kind" - those who enjoy sex with both men and women, but are still only interested in relationships with the opposite sex.

(There's much more to be written on the subject of the separation of these two "types" of bisexual activity in mainstream and sex-positive culture, but that can happen latter).

While positive, to be sure (sexual openness and pleasure are Good Things), there's an unintended consequence: straight but sexually adventurous women, like my girlfriend, find themselves in a weird place.

Some background: My girlfriend and I swing. We both like sex, and enjoy a variety of partners. When we started searching online for other couples to swap and swing with, however, we were constantly running into the "looking for a bi girl" roadblock. A huge percentage of couples online looking for couples seemed really to be looking for a girl, but since single bi girls aren't exactly a dime a dozen, they're "willing" to take a couple. If the girl in the couple's not bi, however, they're not interested.

If girl-girl play is a big part of the appeal for them, that's totally cool. We're all looking for some specifics when it comes to sex, and just like in all relationships, most people aren't good matches for most other people. But it makes me wonder where the line is between "women are free to express themselves sexually" and "my boyfriend wants to see me eat pussy, and I'll do anything to make him happy, even if it's not my thing".

None of this seems to both my girlfriend, who isn't going to do anything she's not interested in. But I wonder how many women out there feel like they "need" to at least experiment bisexually - not only because their boyfriends want them to, but because it's assumed that in order to be a good sexual person, you have to be willing to do things you'd really rather not.

Through all this, we've met some amazing people who self-identify as "bisexual", but enjoy us as a couple even without the girl-girl play. And there are plenty others out there, though finding them through the maze of "looking for a girl or couple" profiles is tough.

The line here isn't drawn at bisexuality - there are plenty of other sexual activities both men and women are expected to like, and if they don't, they're considered "bad partners", even by the "sex-positive" world (oral sex, most notably). While the credo of the sex-positive world is "do what you like with consenting partners", it seems to me like there are still some "expected standards", and those might need some reevaluating.

Your thoughts, as always, are welcome.

Monday, January 18, 2010

On Nudism

Though I'm not entirely sure why, part of me wants to be a nudist. There's a lot of overlap in the nudist and swinger communities - perhaps being naked inspires sex and swapping, or perhaps the types of people who are open to one new/different thing are open to others, too. Many times I've thought to myself "hey, why not, let's just try it".

I don't like it.

Don't get me wrong - for sex, showers, more sex, etc., I enjoy being naked, and I'm not a shy person by nature (semi-anonymous, yes, but not at all shy). But if I'm just lounging around, I really prefer to have at least something on below the waist (even if it's just a wrapped towel or loose shorts). It's reassuring. Is this 30 years of Puritan America strangling my inner nudist?

I don't think so.

To put it bluntly, I don't care for all the flopping around. Gravity has always been kind to me, but there's still a bit of wiggle room in there, and letting it all hang out isn't always the most comfortable thing in the world. And fabric, while thin, offers me a level of protection against accidental nicks, knocks and abrasion.

Though I've been self conscious in the past, I've really gotten past that, especially with sex partners (if we're going to have sex, or even be very open about it, I'm totally cool with you seeing my imperfections). I'm not someone who needs to cover up for modesty's sake. But as much as I might want to, I think I'll cover up just a little until I'm needed, thanks.

Do you go nude at home as a matter of course? Or stay nude if sex has happened/will happen again soon? Have you gone a step further and been to a nudist camp/resort? Are my issues common, even among some nudists? I'd love to know.